It’s taken so long

 


It’s taken me ten straight years of work to understand and overcome the traumatic events in my childhood and adolescents. I still work, every day, on remaining relaxed and calm. I have learned that your reality is yours, that your life is as you make it, and that much of everything is all in your head.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have triggers.
I do, it’s my family members.

I have stopped talking to everyone in my family, one by one. I believe them to all be trapped, mired in fear and anger and distrust of everything.

I can’t operate around that mentality, as much as I’d like to think that I might help them see that it’s all in their heads. I can’t. That’s for them to realize.

They will probably never understand why I stopped talking to them.
They will probably go on believing that I am crazy and idealistic.
They will probably continue to believe that it’s the end of the world and that there is nothing that can be done about it.

I used to think that way too.
It’s hard to believe that your life can change, or that you can be happy, when you’ve always felt angry and frustrated. You want to lash out, make ugly faces, and try to make other people feel as badly as you are feeling. Most people don’t want to admit that they made mistakes, or that their parents made mistakes, because that would mean that they would need to re-evaluate their own behavior.

It would mean remembering things that are hard to remember; evaluating those memories objectively, and determining the damage that may have been done.

The next step is even harder.

Changing the mind to believe that things can be fine.
Not everything has to be a battle.
Not everything people say is a lie.
Not all conversations are arguments.
Sometimes help is just help, and not an insult to your ability to do it yourself.

Remember.
All is well.

Breathe.

(Abra took this photo)

2 Responses

  1. Dear Aunt Camille,

    I am so sorry that you have cut all us off on this side of the family because you are burning bridges that shouldn’t be burned. I do not believe that I have given you any cause to not want to talk to me. I know mom’s comment of you being a nut was uncalled for but as i know it Elayne did not try to demonize you or twist your words so that they had a negative connotation to it. I regret to inform you that your decisions to cut me off, though I don’t think you had any reason what so ever, have almost completely burned this last bridge to this side of the family. I personally think that your decision was rash and we need to think about the reprocusions of these actions. Please think my offer to the rebuilding of a near broken bridge.

    I do love you and I think that we can still work out as family members. Please do the thing that you think is right but i do hope that you pick the one with me and the rest of the family.

    P.S.
    Kate drew a picture for you the other day and mom wants to send it to you.

    Sorry that I had to write you this wierd blog to you but I think that you should hear my thoughts that are honest just how you would send them to me. Please don’t take anything i say offensively.

    P.S.S.
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I know you know how much I love you!!!!

    I love you very much,
    Claire E. (niece of love!)

  2. Dear Camille. Once again you have said something here that I can relate to very well. The hardest part, I think, is the work it takes within one’s own soul. Not only does it take acknowledging pain, but it takes courage and strength to accept it and then finally work through it. It’s not easy to change behaviors and negative thought processes, but tis possible! That’s where I draw my strength from during bad times and I had to be taught and taught again and again how to do it. You’re awesome and inspiring, Camille. Even though I can’t see you, I feel your strength, your growth, and your happiness. And DAMN that baby is gorgeous!

    loves and best,
    Maggie

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